Deep Within
by Inveleth
Summary: She wanted to tell him that she care and she love, but how could she share these words of affection with someone who didn't understand terms like love? She would have to force him to understand. FCouslandWarden/Zevran fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

_It is my first attempt to write something in English and I`m extremely grateful my betariders Jaden Anderson and Zevgirl for patient and hardworking, without you it would be a disaster._

_Bioware owns all, except my Erendis Cousland._

_If you have a comment or critique, feel free to drop me a review. I hope you enjoy it._

* * *

~o~

It was one of those special evenings where everything seemed to be perfect. Their group settled at one of the long tables in Redcliffe's inn. All around, there were cheerful people, laughing and drinking.

Last spring's events were banished from memory. Despite civil war and the Blight, the residents of Redcliffe were looking toward the future with hope and courage.

It was Lel's idea to come here, unwind with the folks, where they all could feel freedom without the restriction of the nobles. So there they were, in the corner of the main lounge, in the dim light of the hearth, amidst the clamor of drunken songs and jokes. The air was full of the smell of beer mixed with the aroma of a roast, which was the host`s specialty.

Erendis enjoyeda mixture of happiness and contentment that radiated from her friends, their smiling faces when they met with the joyful treatment of inhabitants. Even Sten appeared to be more relaxed than usual. Wynne ordered a beer and started to talk with Oghren, something about homemade brew. Leliana and Alistair bantered and Morrigan, as always, tried to ruin Alistair's self-satisfaction. Cousland was sitting between Sten and her assassin. Tightly pressed to his side, with gleaming eyes staring at her group of misfits. She wasn't speaking much at this time, but endeavored to remember that feeling of peace and fulfillment. With her lover by her side, and her friends so mirthful, she was ready to face all challenges that waited at the Landsmeet.

She was startled to see Teagan entering main hall. Alistair waved to him and he directed his steps to their table. He sat down across from her, with that perky smirk of his that often made her blush in her younger, more innocent years, much to her brother's delight.

Teagan made her talk about old times, when he came to Highever to see Fergus for hunting or sword contests. "I won't forget when you soaked Lady Aline`s dress with ale at the Satinalia party. She was so horrified, and you told her she smelled like a dwarven woman "

"Hey, what do you want from dwarf women, they smell all right," responded Oghren from his seat. "Ale smells cool too…

"Yeah, judging by you, I would say abominably," added Morrigan wrinkling her nose with disgust.

"Oh shut up you… you…"

"Either your vocabulary is quite insufficient or the beer is too much for you."

Teagan stared at the growling dwarf and disgruntled apostate as they glowered at one another.

"Don't bother, it`s normal for them," said Erendis as she flashed a warm smile at the man sitting next to her.

"I`m curious, what did Lady Anna say to you?"

"Oh, she told me that I bring shame to my family looking like a broom at my parent's Satinalia party"

"I think she deserved what happened to her," Alistair said, joining them.

"I agree. She was always a vicious hag."

Erendis laughed sincerely and took a long gulp from her tankard. "She had a point then, I really looked a fright. I had just gotten back from hunting, I hadn't been given time to prepare for the banquet, actually I had worn my leathers beneath my dress, and my hair was one big mess. My mother was so bloody disappointed."

"I doubt that, your parents had been so proud of you." Teagan's voice was velvet and warm and when she glanced at him through her long, eyelashes, she saw his heartfelt gaze.

It was so mellowing to sit there and forget about the real world beyond those walls, a world where she had to face a civil war, Loghain, the Blight and the archdemon. For just one night she wanted to remember her old life when her parents still lived and guided her through difficult decisions. With Teagan, who had known her in happier times, it was easy to pretend that all that terrifying things hadn't befallen her.

They talked a lot that night, and drank a lot too. Then Erendis started to bicker with Oghren and there was a bet, where she ended up on the table, dancing the Remigold, with the accompaniment of the townsfolk's hilarious singing.

She was so occupied that she didn't notice when Zevran left his seat.

~o~

He leaned against the distant wall, next to the wooden door. His slim but muscular body was hidden in deep shadow. He was unnoticeable, undetectable and… edgy. His amber eyes flashed with irritation. He watched and listened, and felt… what exactly had he felt?

Erendis was sitting there, observing her party with silent satisfaction. She was taking solace from this event. It was required in time of war when they did not know what waited behind another turn of the road. She carried a heavy burden on her shoulders, and he admired her strength and determination, though she was constantly faced with danger. She needed this, a time to forget all the troubles and unpleasantness of an ordinary Grey Warden`s day. She needed him, of this he was sure. Erendis wanted him by her side, in battle and in carnal pleasures. Meanwhile she was chatting and giggling with that… sort-of Alistair`s uncle. His Warden didn't even bother to notice that her companion was missing; she was so occupied flirting with Teagan.

Zev could understand that they had a lot in common. They were nobles, they shared memories of better times, and just from her tenuous smile and slightly blushed cheeks, the assassin could deduce that there was something more than just courtesy. They shared a history, one he wouldn't want to know.

The singing and chatting grew louder in the crowded room, and Oghren started to haul himself on the table where the Wardens sat. People erupted with laughter. Once again, there was some kind of bet, just like in Orzammar. Zevran observed his Warden as she climbed onto the tabletop. The shouting and laughter drowned out by the squeaky sounds of flutes and bagpipes.

The elf devoured the sight of Erendis, twirling and spinning on the table. She was marvelous and so devilishly attractive. He couldn`t tear his gaze off her slender frame, her swinging hips, and her raven-black braids floating with her every seductive move.

The dwarf who tried to save his balance at the opposite end of table, spun around and buffeted with a hard bump on the ground. The room erupted with laughter and Erendis bowed with grace, before applauding the public.

The assassin's eyes narrowed dangerously when he saw Bann Teagan helping her down. His hands found her waist, and she dropped her arms on the man's shoulder to steady her when the Bann gently lowered her. Then they shared a long glance and knowing smile, and Zev`s hand automatically reached to his dagger strapped to his back. Nobody had the right to look at his Warden with that kind of desire and lust.

~o~

Zevran pinned her to the wall and pressed into her, her hands seized within his palms. Heat radiated from her soft flesh but he refused to acknowledge it. She smelled of vanilla and jasmine, her long black hair falling about her delicate neck in a glossy wave. He looked at her blushing face, searching for something, something he couldn't admit even to himself.

"You are drunk, assassin," she smirked, gazing into his amber eyes, which were shining coldly now.

"I'm furious," he spat. His grip tightened around her wrists. "If you won't stop flirting with him, I will have to kill you my sweet, Grey Warden," he growled into her ear.

She laughed. "Oh, that`s good. I think I should remind you that you tried to kill me once, and it went poorly if I recall correctly."

His jaw clenched and she felt his muscles tighten. "So, maybe I should kill Teagan instead," he snarled.

"Come on, Zevran, it was you who told me that I am absolutely free, or did you forget that?"

She looked straight into his handsome face and the smile faded on her coral lips. She regarded him with careful glance. There was anger and lust, but deep inside him, she could see longing and affection. He really cared for her, but he didn't want to admit it - not to her, nor to himself.

"I will flirt with whom I want to, unless you confess that you are jealous, Zevran Arainai."

He shot her a strange look. His eyes shifted from her face to her white neck, and lower to her breasts hidden under a slim, silk shirt. When he imagined in his mind someone else touching her smooth skin, kissing her sweet mouth, tasting her, caressing her perfect bosom… hot hatred blew through his veins like a hurricane.

"You have me there," he said in a hushed tone. "I'm jealous. There you have it. Happy?"

She shot her head forward, and crushed her lips to his. She kissed him deliberately and earnestly, sinking into the warmth of his body, the softness of his mouth.

He freed hers wrists and she reached for his neck, tangling her fingers in the long strands of blond hair.

She moaned quietly when he parted her lips, his tongue entering her mouth and causing her whole body to tremble. When he reached for her, his arm encircling her waist, pinning her body to him, she knew this was something more than desire.

~o~

She was lying in safe circle of his arms, with her head on his chest, listening to the lazy beat of his heart. She couldn't sleep, even after such an exciting evening. There was a storm of thoughts going around in her head, and all of them applied to the man resting next to her.

This time was different; Erendis felt it in an instant. Zev was always so patient and meticulous when making love to her. Not tonight though. There was fire in his touch, and some kind of desperation when he grasped her tightly and pushed her onto their bed. Their clothes were torn off and vanished. Then he just plunged into her warmth, without any preparation, devoured her, spreading her on his thick length. She could still feel Zevran`s teeth on her delicate flesh. He was determined to possess her, dominate her, mark her as his own. He set a brutal, hard pace, hammering himself to the hilt. She was close in a minute and his demanding lips swallowed all her cries and whimpers, when waves of climax washed over her, but he didn`t stop. He just flipped her over on her stomach and sank into her velvety sheath, touching that spot of nerves in her. Again and again he slid within her, filling her in the most delicious way. Then he gave a few more quick thrusts and she felt him tremble deep inside her. Feeling his release, she came apart once again. Zev flung his head back and growled loudly, his body giving in and collapsing on top of her sweaty body, crushing her against the damp sheet.

Despite that she wanted to make love to him with tenderness and gentleness, she allowed him to have his way. She sensed uncertainty and doubts in him. Erendis wanted to show her lover, she care and love him, but how could she share these words of affection with someone who didn't understand terms like love? There was no option. Even so, everyone with eyes could see that he had feelings for her, she had to wait, had to show him what she aroused in his soul. Today`s night was only the prelude. Jealousy was the first step on the road to understanding that there is no such way to close one`s heart to emotions.

~o~

He woke up early in the morning, shaken from dreams of his past. He untangled his body from the Warden's tight embrace, careful not to wake her up. She was sleeping peacefully, with her rose lips slightly open and waves of hair spreading over the white cotton sheets like a whisper of the darkest night. He bent over to cover her pale body with the blanket, and his heart trembled with regret when he saw dark bruises and markings of his teeth on her shoulders and arms. He hadn`t wanted to be so rough with her, but he`d had too much to drink last night and lost control.

It was some time before sunrise, and the room was bathed in a faint light. Zevran clothed and soundlessly left chamber. He found a small balcony and leaned against the wall. In front of him, the high rock-solid wall of outer wall Redcliffe castle was near, the courtyard below hidden in the dark. Above him was a gray sky, endless and frigid. The world seemed to be stripped of color.

Last night`s events were on his mind. Did Erendis know how he felt seeing her with another? Of course, nothing happened, but it was clear as day that Teagan would like to gain her favor. What was the worstet, was that if she liked that idea, Zevran had no right to stop it. He couldn`t understand why it bothered him so much, why he was angry, why he felt betrayed, until she came to him with her soft lips spread in a thrilling smile and gleaming eyes, and those moves of her slinky hips. He wanted it all for himself. He wanted deep inside, and he ached… and he lov… _no_.

She forced him to admit it. He was jealous; it was to the same degree relieving as horrifying, because where there was jealousy there had to be sentiment. Did she realize…?

What was he to her? An assassin, a son of a whore, without a past and with an unsure future. His Warden was a bright spot in his incomplete life. What he could offer a daughter of Thedas, a woman, who was growing into the hero of her compatriots, a defender to this land?

His hand was resting on his belt, and in small pocket was a little pouch. Inside was his first trophy, a golden ring with a single icicle-shaped crystal. It wasn`t enough, he knew it.

5


	2. Chapter 2

~o~

The weather was extremely unpleasant. Gray clouds hung over wet landscape. The cold wind was blowing from the mountains. The roads were muddy and soggy and horses waded through with difficulty.

In their own ways their moods mirrored the weather. They left Redcliff early in the morning, in poor spirits. Last evening Morrigan quarrelled with Leliana, and both of them were grumpy, which meant the witch was snappy toward them all, and Leliana was whining.

Wynne was in bad mood as well; such weather left an ache in her bones, and riding a horse was very uncomfortable in this state.

Oghren had a hangover and kept to himself. Sten was... Sten, accepted all travel conditions with stoic calmness. Alistair was still in a foul temper because of his last conversation with Eamon.

Erendis rode at the front of thecolum group. She was silent, and from his Zevran`s pace in the procession, he saw her frowned brows, and her red-rose lips knitted together. He didn't dare speak to her after their last conversation.

The small golden earning was a heavy weight in his pocket.

"_So... not a token of affection, then?" She looked at him with her lovely navy blue eyes, and his heart skipped a beat in his chest. _

"_I... look, just... just take it." It was hard to name the feelings floating in his soul. There were words that he could not force from his lips. She turned her head from him, looking above the green pine trees far in the distance. She waited for him to say it, to admit... _

"_It`s meant a lot to me, but so have..." – he hesitated. She glanced at him with such hope and when he struggled to find the words for saying what was on his mind, she bit her lower lip, waiting, expecting..._

_What was she expecting? __I__rritation aroused in him. Was he not clear in this matter? He did not believe in... emotions. He did not allow them to rule his life, to make the most of life."...so has what you`ve done. Please, take it." _

"_I`ll only take it if it means something." Now she was peevish and he heard her temper rising._

His gift was still in his possession. Zevran tried to convince himself that he should not feel so bad because of it. The assassin wanted to forget this incident and move on but the hurt in her eyes had haunted his mind for four days now. Furthermore, Erendis was unusually quiet and restrained when it came to their usual night activities. Moreover, seeing her half-naked body stretched beside him, to feel her savor and not be able to fulfill his hunger was more and more frustrating. Oh yes, she still spend nights in the shelter of his arms, and she continued to allow him to make love to her He wanted to make amends for all the bruises and marks that he had left on her body after that drunken burst of jealousy. Though he was delicate and caring, she seemed to be absent, distant. Zevran discovered in surprise that even though his carnal appetite was sated, there was something missing, something fleeting and imperceptible, that made their previously shared nights exceptional and unique.

He was telling himself that it could not be the effect of that unsuccessful attempt of giving her that damned earring. Zev preferred rather to lie to himself, to explain that living under constant strain, she was just worn. Maybe she had grown bored with them. No, it was impossible.

And what if there was someone else? Did Teagan manage to lead her astray, or Alistair… Zevran glanced at the Warden riding in the distance. Did Alistair comprehend what a fool he had been leaving behind such a woman for a precarious chance of gaining the throne?

Doubts increased in his troubled heart and the assassin discovered that it was hard for him to concentrate on anything else.

So, when darkspawn hidden on both sides of the road flooded party with arrows, he was not where he should be - at her side. A gigantic ogre led the attack, and charged with remarkable speed. Erendis` horse gave a horrifying squeal when the creature`s huge fist tore his side. The dying beast was knocked down, crushing his rider.

Zevran tried furiously to get to her, but there were too many of them, and he was too far away. With some kind of relief he noticed Alistair chopping doggedly into the monster`s muscular neck. If there was someone that would gladly give his life for Erendis, it would be Alistair. In this one case, they both were very similar.

~o~

Wynn very carefully unhooked the straps of Erendis' armor. Her metal breastplate fell to the ground with a quiet thud. The mage raised her hands over the Warden`s chest. From between her fingers, warm golden light extended in falling dust.

Erendis felt delicate shivers when the healing magic started to crawl along her skin, relieving the pain in her chest and sealing broken ribs.

"Better now?" Asked the old woman, as she pulled a small vial of sparkling blue liquid from her bag.

"Much better," said the Warden, taking one deep breath to her lungs.

"And now get your blouse off, there is a nasty gash across your shoulder, it would be better if I looked at it immediately."

Erendis did what was asked, pulling off her bloodstained tunic and slipping her cotton shirt off her shoulders. She could not see the frown on the mage's face when her pale blue eyes gazed upon the dark marks of Zevran`s teeth on her neck. Wynne cleaned the wound on her back and used her magic to knit torn muscles and skin, then her cold fingers gently touched the love markings.

"Do you want me to heal it as well?" she asked.

Erendis froze and then soft sigh left her lips.

"No Wynne I… I want it to stay." She did not know why she didn`t want to get rid of them. Maybe because it was the first and only certificate of Zevran's true affection. He was always so composed, so restrained, with that facade of artificial indifference, and that smirk of his that had little to do with his real smile. It was the first time his mask had slipped from his face and he'd showed her some real feeling, the storm of emotions boiling deep within.

Wynne cautiously applied the healing salve on her white scar that was all that remained of the wound, and put a bandage on it. Then she cast a rejuvenation spell on her patient.

"You love him, don't you?"

Erendis was struck dumb for a moment when she heard that word, one that she had carefully avoided for a long time. "I honestly don't know," she admitted with sadness. "Sometimes… he is so distant…" The Warden started to get dressed, still stirred by the old mage's question. "I know you don't approve… just…" She sighed heavily.

"Don`t tell me that you are bothered by an old woman's opinion, actually I have watched you for a time and… perhaps I was wrong. There seems to be something special between the two of you." The mage started to pack up her potions and salves in her purse.

"Really… sometimes I think I imagine things… " Erendis buckled her breastplate and stood from the log.

"His demeanor changes when he is with you. There is a tenderness to his gaze I`d never seen until now."

~o~

She discreetly observed him the entire evening. His energetic steps when he strolled around the campsite, his slim figure against the darkening sky. He enchanted her with that vibrant golden shine of his hair and deep amber of his eyes. She listened with pleasure to his voice, warm like old brandy. In her head there were still Wynne words, "You cherish every precious moment that you spend together, knowing that it may be the last". Did she cherish every moment? Certainly not. She was hurt, disappointed. When he wanted to gave her this small trinket, she anticipated some kind of faith, even commitment. But still he could not see what there was between them. She felt unheeded and misunderstood. Now, when she thought it over, she came to conclusion that she had overreacted, she shouldn`t push him so hard. Really, nobody knows how it all will end. Death awaited them at every step of the road. Maybe in the future, if they have one, he will find the strength to realize that love is a blessing, not a curse.

She should speak to him, make every moment unforgettable.

A dark shadow eclipsed the golden-red light of fire. She raised her head to see Alistair standing above her. He looked at her with disarming longing in his caring brown eyes. Erendis knew this look of his, and it broke her heart every time. Alistair cleared his throat and turned his gaze in another direction.

"Are you ok?"

She genuinely smiled, his concern was written out on his face.

"Yes, thank you." When she fell from her horse, and a huge ogre`s axe slammed a few inches from her head, Alistair was there to protect her as his shield cut the beast in it throat.

"Eamon wants to see us."

She snuffled with irritation, what did that old goat need from her right now, when she had much enjoyable plans for the evening?

~o~

Of course, she was with him. Zevran tried to remain calm, glancing across the bonfire. She owed her life to him, today it was Alistair who had shielded her. They were good friends. He saw how the former templar took one disobedient strand of Erendis` hair and put it behind her ear. Even from this distance, Zev caught a glimpse of tenderness in the bastard prince`s eyes. He took a deep calming breath. She was free to do whatever she wanted. He turned his back from the view, trying hard not to hear the sweet sounds of her laughter.

He should not behave like the fool, he should not expect more than this, something to enjoy, a pleasant diversion and a little more… "Know your place assassin." In his mind his former master`s harsh words rang like an alarm bell. Zev sat down in the shadows, resting his back against the trunk of a gigantic oak. He took his dagger out from a hidden pocket at the leg of his boot, and started to sharpen the narrow blade with fluid, slow moves.

It was not long before his elven ears caught the sound of her footsteps. She approached him, unsteadily putting her carefully placed feet in the darkness, between the tree`s roots and stones.

" Zev?" She wasn`t able to see him, hidden in the darkness and he decided not to move right away.

"Are you there?" She stopped two steps from the trunk, looking around. He heard her quiet sigh.

"I`m here, Warden." His voice much steadier than he thought it could be.

"Care to join me in my tent?" Her tone was casual, like she wanted to invite him for tea. Oh yes, she regarded it as something natural, normal, to spend the night with the assassin, to live it up, to forget about her problems, to put him out of the way when she will not need him anymore. Anger sprung up from nowhere, and set his soul on fire. He will not be usedw he was a free man and had the right to refuse.

"No, I… no. I mean no offense, I simply… no." He hated himself for this mumbling. Who was she to cause such a distraction?

"Is something wrong?" She took another step in direction of his voice, and Zevran knew she stood before the oak`s trunk, he could catch her movement when her outstretched hand leaned against the scabrous bark.

"I do not wish to talk about it." He said with irritation, maybe a bit too sharply. She sucked in air and stood there in awkward silence.

"Then I`ll leave you alone"

She stepped back from the darkness under the trees, not wanting to show how disturbed she was. Once again, he'd hurt her with his display of his coldness. Alistair could have been right, she should focus on other things, it was no time for philandering. They were not some kind of romantic characters from old books. She could not forget about her first task, her paramount duty. After, she will think about it after…

* * *

**Once again must thank Jaden Anderson. Without you publishing it would be inpossible. **

**You can find the cover of this story here. inveleth. /art/Deep-Within-334274117 (just remove space)**


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